Plastic, resin and a touch of insanity -- the toys of today

I’ve always been really into toys. I kept close to a hundred “Star Wars” figures and vehicles in a large plastic container, I owned nearly two dozen Transformers and Beast Wars toys (my inability to transform them was quite frustrating). My childhood fondness for action figures has become an innate love of collectibles and memorabilia, and my room is heavily adorned with all manner of statuettes and figurines. Many of the toys children have access to nowadays are completely awesome – and then some of them are ridiculously stupid. In today’s entry, we’ll take a look at a few of the more asinine toys currently on the market.

Kryptonite Power Lex Luthor:
I saw “Superman Returns.” Three times, actually. And not once in any of those viewings did Lex Luthor don a black suit of armor festooned with kryptonite. I also don’t recall him ever using a kryptonite gun. If I’m mistaken, please let me know. But I’m actually pretty positive that Lex Luthor would never, even in the nerdiest fan fiction, utilize these two items. You see, Lex is a villain who works behind the scenes – he uses his intelligence and cunning to fight Superman. He would never face Supes in physical combat, knowing full well that he would lose. This toy, therefore, is inherently ludicrous. Plus, Kevin Spacey looks ridiculous cast in resin. I mean, look at his face. It’s hilarious.

Furreal Friends Cuddle Chimp:
I have seen this toy in action, and let me tell you: it is absolutely the most terrifying, demented toy I have ever seen. If you can’t tell from the picture, the Cuddle Chimp is super realistic, and yet disturbingly lifeless. Imagine this creature, its cold eyes boring placidly into your soul as you urge it speak. You feel slightly unnerved, but persist in trying to communicate with it. Suddenly, it responds to your movements. It’s claw-like fingers tense as it opens its arms wide—is it asking for a hug, or attempting to throttle you with its ape strength?—and grunts. You then quickly remove its batteries and toss it in the dumpster behind your house. Some nights, you swear you can hear it cooing softly to itself, biding its time until it climbs into your bedroom window to exact its revenge.

K9 Corps:
When I was a kid, we had bipedal humanoid action figures of all kinds – sharks, dinosaurs, cats … And now, in typical toy manufacture fashion, we have bipedal humanoid dogs, who are apparently members of an elite military group known as the K9 Corps. Their function is unknown to me, but I’m pretty sure they’re currently deployed in Afghanistan. Now, sharks, dinosaurs and felines make fine soldiers (SWAT Kats anyone?), but I really don’t see the apparent benefits of a dog squad. For starters, they would lay down their arms to anyone willing to scratch them behind the ears or partake in a quick game of fetch. Any band of terrorists could easily defeat the K9 Corps by including a bag of Beggin’ Strips in their arsenal along with grenades and AK-47’s.

Lost – Hurley Action Figure (With Sound!)
Now, this toy isn’t so much stupid as it is hilarious. For those of you unaware of the character, this is Hurley, a giant man portrayed by actor Jorge Garcia on the series “Lost.” The figure depicts Hurley standing on a beach, proudly displaying what appear to be a pair of dirty boxer shorts on a flagpole. Now, I stopped watching “Lost” after the first season (it spiraled into a fiery, chaotic mass of unanswered questions), but I really can’t imagine liking the show enough to own a Hurley action figure. Is there really anyone proudly displaying this thing on their desk at the office? Or on the mantle, illuminated beautifully by a gently roaring fire? I highly doubt it. The toy’s best feature, by far, is its ability to play delightful sound bites from the series. Hurley repeats nearly a dozen hilarious phrases, including “Hey, someone nuke me a burrito,” “My pants just ripped wide open,” and “Who ate all the damn chocolate?”

The Oozinator:
The Oozinator is possibly the single most ridiculous toy ever conceived. On the surface, it appears to be a normal, everyday super soaker, the kind you might bring to a summer-time water fight and drench your buddies with. But then you realize something horrifying: this is no ordinary super soaker. No, this weapon doesn’t shoot water – it shoots slime. It propels great, sticky globs of sewage sludge at innocent children. What kid in this world would enjoy being shot at by taffy-like streams of green goo? It’s like being sneezed on. I don’t need a toy to launch snot at me. With a toy like this on the market, literally anything is possible. How about a water pistol that shoots curdled milk? Or a slingshot that flings bags of rancid garbage? Hell, why not a plastic bazooka that launches rotten fruit? It’s all in good fun.

Right, so there you have it, just a sampling of the many and varied ridiculous toys out there. Really, any online toy retailer is a goldmine for these type of things – strange, animal-like robots that transform into cheeseburgers and such.