Don't see Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Jamie Lee Curtis kisses her chihuahua and her career goodbye.

As a semi-professional film critic, I try to be objective with cinema. When I am able, I go into movies without bias or pre-conceived notions, and I typically don’t judge a film based solely on its trailer. After all, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by a few films with terrible trailers, and let down by several with breathtaking ones.

But I really can’t bring myself to be objective with Beverly Hills Chihuahua. I don’t feel that it is presumptuous of me in the least to say that Beverly Hills Chihuahua will be the single worst film of the year, the decade, and of all time. Hands down, no competition, case freaking closed.

May I present to you, exhibit A.

This trailer is tremendous in that it both makes me want to vomit and punch someone at the same time. I am both saddened and infuriated, confused and yet completely sure that Beverly Hills Chihuahua is the first of seven seals, and that the apocalypse is not far behind.

I have never been so affected by a movie trailer. Ever. It has changed my very perception of the world and my place in it. Why even continue living in a society where movies about talking CGI Chihuahuas are not just greenlit, but produced and released. Into American movie theaters. It’s a new low – the bottom of the ladder. It has never happened before, will never be repeated, and will most likely lead to pandemonium and widespread panic.

You will go insane trying to sit through this film. You will lose your mind right then and there. Your grip on reality (which is obviously a bit shaky to begin with, seeing as you were willing to pay admission to a movie called Beverly Hills Chihuahua) will slip and everything you have ever known, loved, or cherished will be but a distant memory, smothered by CGI Chihuahuas. Beverly Hills Chihuahua will destroy you. Forever.

I have not seen Beverly Hills Chihuahua, do not intend on seeing Beverly Hills Chihuahua, have no idea as to the cast, story, or director of Beverly Hills Chihuahua. But here is how I imagine the film progressing:

Don’t see Beverly Hills Chihuahua. If your kids want to see it, disown them. If your spouse wants to see it, get a divorce. If your ailing grandfather’s dying wish was that you see Beverly Hills Chihuahua in his honor, tell him, “Too bad, gramps.” There is no other option, except oblivion. Beverly Hills Chihuahua transcends bad filmmaking and super-novas into a gaping hole of ineptitude. It is the death of cinema, the blight of mankind, the end of the world.


  1. Oh God. That trailer. Every time I see it I want to kill myself.

    Oh, and that doormat was terrifying... but that last chihuahua really was freakin' adorable.

  2. Oh, and, Jaimie Lee Curtis? WTF?

  3. It's really too bad about Jamie Lee Curtis.

  4. Jamie Lee Curtis has nobody to blame but herself. Would you sign to a movie called Beverly Hills Chihuahua?

  5. Did you know Michael Bay is the director?

  6. Americans spend $41 billion a year on their pets. More than the gross domestic product of all but 64 countries in the world. There's a market for this sort of thing and Disney know it!

  7. Pie Man: Just because people spend obscene amounts on their pets doesn't mean Disney have to produce this schlock.

  8. this movie is so good it's funny and all the members of the family can go to see it

  9. I personally go to the movies for the shear enjoyment and entertainment I get from the art of the medium, not to go see something I feel is a believable story or realistic. I hate it when people rip a movie by saying "It's so unrealistic!" Duh!!!, isn't that a major reason we all go see movies, to be entertained and maybe escape reality for while. I recently had family members watch CARS, the Disney/Pixar film, and they quit watching it in the middle of the movie because they couldn't get past the talking cars; it was too unrealistic. What about talking Lions and animals in THE LION KING, or robots and Wookies in STAR WARS. Whether a movie is funny, childish, moving, sad, scary, realistic or even unrealistic is that really what determines if a movie is good or even great? In closing I will have to agree that this movie looks extremely dumb, the trailer is seems rather cheesy, but I bet millions of kids (and possibly some parents) will find this movie ENJOYABLE, and isn't that really what movies are all about?


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