The Weekly Serial Adventures of The Red Rocket! (Episode 2: Down in front: the loud talker strikes!)

It was a cold February day, foggy and damp. People, hoping to escape the gray weather, flocked to the local multiplex in droves. The lobby was bustling with activity. The line for the theater’s overpriced concessions stretched from box-office to ticket-taker. Children rolled about on their wheeled-shoes, weaving through the crowd and knocking startled old people on their asses.

A group of about 30 people waited anxiously for the 12:45 showing of “Tinted Glasses and Turtlenecks: When Elton met Diane,” hugging tubs of stale popcorn like children to their bosom. Among them lurked a large, lumpy woman, roughly 45. She stood, toad-like, ticket in hand, a tray of nachos and Twizzlers cradled in her thick, barrel arms.

As the auditorium opened, the group began to herd inside, scrambling for the best seats. The large woman waddled to a middle seat about five rows from the back and settled in, draping her windbreaker over the surrounding seats and arranging her various concessions in a buffet-like fashion to her right.

As she pondered which of the delicious treats she would devour first, the trailers began. An advertisement for an action film called “Hitler: Resurrection and Subsequent Explosions” rolled by, followed by the heart-beat, jump-cut filled trailer for the horror movie “Scary, Slightly Asian Ghost Children with Stringy Hair.”

And the large woman couldn’t help herself. “Ooh, that looks good,” she said aloud, despite being alone. The man in front of her glanced over his shoulder, sighing slightly.

As the trailers came to a close, she dug into her nachos, which were, coincidentally, the crunchiest, noisiest nachos anyone in this world will ever encounter. She ate them loudly and proudly, savoring each and every bite with delicious elation.

Another few patrons turned to regard her with disgusted looks as she munched. She chose to ignore them. And then the movie began.

Elton John (depicted in the film by Philip Seymour Hoffman) sits at his piano, pouring over a sheet of music.

“Who’s that?” the woman asked nobody in particular. “Oh, wait, is that Elton John? No, that’s Diane Keaton.”

A man several seats over offered assistance. “No, that’s very clearly Elton John.”

“Hm. I don’t think so,” she replied, engulfing a Snickers bar. “We’ll find out, I suppose, heh?”

Elton John then began crying softly to himself, unable to find the inspiration to finish his song. The woman began laughing loudly, more of a cackle really. “Ha! He can’t write!”

The scene, obviously not intended to be the least bit humorous, did not warrant the laughter, and the woman received more dirty looks in response. She shifted uncomfortably, become bored with the film. She kicked the seat in front of her, violently assaulting the poor women sitting in it. She began unwrapping her Twizzlers as loud as humanly possible.

Just as the audience was about to collectively “lose” it, salvation arrived in the form of a red-suited hero.

The screen ripped down the middle and he stepped into the theater, a stalwart beacon of justice. The audience sat in complete silence as the Red Rocket walked slowly up the aisle, his eyes never leaving the woman.

She eyed him, a half-eaten Twizzler hanging from her lips. The Red Rocket came to halt before her seat, looming over her like a ruggedly handsome monolith.

“Yes?” she asked. “I’m trying to watch a movie here!”

“Ma’am, I think I speak on behalf of the entire audience when I request that you please shut that enormous, canyon-like, candy-filled, gluttonous mouth of yours and watch the movie in courteous silence, allowing everyone an equal opportunity to enjoy it.”

The woman sat in stunned silence. And then she was hoisted into the air, despite weighing over 300 pounds, by the powerful arms of the Red Rocket. And then our brave hero lugged the woman out of the theater, leaving the good people to enjoy the rest of their film on a torn screen. Despite this, they were thankful to be devoid of the woman’s presence.

Our brave hero left the theater with the stunned woman in his arms. Legend has it that the Red Rocket threw the woman into the sun.


  1. Oddly enough, in my imagination she resembled a female Dudley Dursley. Anyone else?

    I love your description of the audience's reaction when the Red Rocket comes in. I just picture their eyes following him, too shocked to move their heads or remove their hand from their mouth mid-popcorn kernel.

    HA! Anyways, good stuff.

  2. I love the description of her food, the half eaten Twizzler, the cruncy nachos, debate of Elton John's existence.

    Go Red Rocket! My hero♥. These are hilarious, I'm totally following these. ^-^


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