An open letter to Nicolas Cage and ‘Next’

Cut your hair, then stop with the terrible movies.

The fashion police escort Nicolas Cage to the barber.

*½ out of *****

For this review, I thought I’d spice it up a bit. This past Sunday, I wasted a warm and beautiful afternoon sitting through the explosive atrocity that is “Next.” But instead of droning on in typical film critique fashion, I thought I’d publish an open letter to Mr. Nicolas Cage. Minor spoilers lie ahead. Enjoy.

Dear Nicolas Cage:

Hello, Mr. Cage. Matt Click here, film reviewer with The Mast. I’m writing you on behalf of all those innocent souls subjugated to “Next,” your most recent foray into the wonderful world of crap cinema. On April 29, I visited my local multiplex to watch “Next.” I’m sorry to say that the movie is pretty terrible – not “Wicker Man” remake terrible, but it’s definitely up there. In my humble opinion, “Next” is another crappy movie in the long line of self-destructive projects you’ve been undertaking these past few years.

Mr. Cage, and I’m saying this out of respect and admiration, you’ve really been sucking lately. “National Treasure,” “The Wicker Man,” “Ghost Rider” … come on, seriously? If it wasn’t for your involvement in stuff like “Adaptation,” “Matchstick Men” and “The Weather Man,” I would have passed you off as an appalling excuse for an actor a good long while ago.

In “Next,” you play Cris Johnson, a Vegas magician enlisted by the FBI for his precognitive abilities. Cris possesses the unique ability to see into the future, a skill that could come in pretty handy with national security issues. Turns out that a bunch of foreign terrorists have smuggled a nuclear weapon into the US, and the Feds, lead by Callie Ferris (Julianne Moore), need Cris to look into the future and tell them when and where it will detonate. To top it off, Cris’ girlfriend Liz becomes involved when the terrorists nab her.

First of all, who are these terrorists? Could you explain this to me, Mr. Cage? The film really doesn’t explain their motives at all. From what I gathered, they’re simply smuggling nuclear warheads for the fun of it. All I know is that there’s a few French guys, a smattering of Russians and a Brit. So, for the remainder of the review, I will refer to the bad guys in “Next” as the “Coalition of Vaugely European Villains” (CVEV).

This film is just a mess, Mr. Cage. The dialogue is terrible, truly some of the worst in recent memory. With such riveting nuggets of screenplay magic as “It happened. It just hasn’t happened yet” and “I've seen every possible ending. None of them are good for you,” the screenplay is just laughably bad. The plot, barely existent as it is, starts out completely preposterous and then takes a nose-dive for the absurd in its climax. Mr. Cage, do you realize how trite the “it was all a dream” plot twist is? Audiences across America are groaning, rolling their eyes and throwing their hands into the air in frustration at the ludicrous plot twist in “Next.”

And Mr. Cage, with all due respect, your hair looks absolutely ridiculous in this film. I mean, it rivals Tom Hanks’ “Da Vinci Code” get-up for “Most Absurd Hairdo Ever.” You’re 43 years old now, you’re too old to be sporting that receding catastrophe.

Sincerely,
Matt Click