Democrazy: get 'em started young, 'cause the squirrels won't wait

Before I launch into today's angst-ridden tirade (which I'm assuming you all have come to love very dearly), I'd like you to note and appreciate the clever play on words present in today's entry title. I'll give you a few moments.

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Hilarious, right? Thanks, I thought you'd like it. OK, that's enough. Stop laughing. Yeah, the standing ovation really isn't necessary. Alright, it really wasn't that funny. Seriously, quit it. Now.

You got it under control? Good. Alright, on to the topic at hand -- politics and children.

I would like to call your attention to this lovable bedtime story:

Yes, you are currently looking at a children's book entitled "Why Mommy is a Democrat." And yes, those squirrels are indeed adorable. Don't let them fool you, though. They're dirty hippies.

Here's the thing: I'm a stalwart Democrat; very liberally-minded. I'm of the opinion that the Republicans, particularly the current administration, are a bunch of close-minded, insular fools. But really, that's beside the point. The day this blog derails into political commentary, I want you to kill me. Quickly and mercilessly. Preferably with a gun, but I suppose any number of random blunt or bladed objects would work.

Moving on. These squirrels look innocent enough, right? Big, loving eyes. Bushy, furry tails. But I want you to look a little closer. First of all, when did squirrels gain the ability to knit tiny rodent-sized T-shirts? Or how about that chair? Are squirrels now also skilled carpenters? And that horse toy? Not only is it a very ornately carved object, but it's also painted. Blue. Do squirrels also have access to acrylic paints?

There's something extremely fishy about these squirrels, and I for one would like to get to the bottom of it.

Now, let's look at a few selected pages from this book:

Please note the tiny pair of suspenders on Brother Squirrel. Apparently, these intelligent and quite sentient rodents have also discovered denim. Looking at the blocks, we notice that the word "ART" is spelled out. Cute, right? These squirrels are creative, right? WRONG. Look closer. The blocks also spell out "OCD," Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This is a cry for help. Momma Squirrel is completely unaware that her children are suffering under a regime of anal-retentiveness. It's sad, it truly is. Let's move on.

Momma Squirrel has now donned a blue-suede jacket. On the surface, this page appears harmless. A mother protecting her children from a stampeding elephant, right? Yes, to the untrained eye, that is how it would appear. But look farther down the road. A homeless man, strolling innocently through the park, is left helpless in the deadly path of the out-of-control animal. For all we know, Momma Squirrel could have released this elephant from the zoo herself. This page also suggests the terrifying theory that these squirrels may, in fact, be human-sized (note their height as compared to the elephant). The very thought of this is simply horrifying.

In this final sample page, we have Momma now wearing a forest-green T-shirt (apparently her severe OCD is now affecting her daily wardrobe). In the last paragraph, I theorized that perhaps these creatures are significantly larger than your average squirrel, mammoth rodents of human size and intelligence. This page confirms what I have long feared. Note the mouse near the bottom of the page. These squirrels, who would typically be about the same size as the mouse, tower above him like mutated monstrosities. I can only imagine the chaos that would ensue should these squirrels be released into the general public.

After pouring over these images for hours upon hours on end, I have come to one horrifying conclusion: the democrats are, at this very moment, devising a diabolical scheme involving giant squirrels and the violent take-over of the Legislature, the White House and the British Parliament.

And OCD Momma Squirrel? She'll become known as General Long-Tail, a warlord of merciless demeanor. She will lead her tribe to victory, and eventually betray the Democrats, overpowering them with superior force and becoming the supreme ruler of the world.

Sleep tight, dear readers. We're only biding our time.