If I ran the world: the perfect US Administration

I’d like to open today’s entry with an apology: I am truly and deeply sorry for including a picture of Garfield in yesterday’s entry. It was an error in judgment on my part. I, like many of you fine people, detest Garfield and everything he stands for. He is not, nor will he ever be, even the slightest bit funny. He is second in lameness only to Marmaduke. I can promise you that it’ll never happen again. Ever.

Moving on. Today, I have a special treat for you faithful readers. You see, I have compiled a list of who I think would make the ideal White House administration. And whether or not you're interested in reading about the ultimate political force means squat to me. So sit back and enjoy my insane fantasy of a celebrity-riddled White House.

The President of the United States of America: Jon Stewart
I have a severe man-crush on Jon Stewart. Uproariously funny, intelligent, politically savvy … the man has it all. His dry wit, level-head and dead-on political commentary beg the question, “Why aren’t there men like this in office?” Stewart is friggin’ genius, but he would never admit it. Stewart is a man of the people, someone who, like us, watches from afar and lends his opinion where needed.

Vice-President: Tom Waits
I can see it now. He waltzes into the press conference in a moth-ridden, wrinkled gray suit, brimmed-hat askew and hair slightly disheveled. The dwindling stub of a cigarette hangs limp in his mouth as he takes the first question: Mr. Waits, how are you reacting to the accusations of your problem with alcohol? He adjust his hat, takes a long drag on the cigarette and grins lopsidedly as he responds in his signature gravelly growl. “I don’t have a problem with alcohol, I like it just fine.” And then the band starts up and he breaks into a throaty rendition of "Heartattack and Vine." The press conference becomes a smoky jazz house and everyone is content.

Secretary of State: Bruce Campbell
Not only is he one of the most respected cult actors in the business, but Bruce Campbell is hilarious, down-to-earth and a real man of the people. If being incredibly charismatic isn’t enough for the American people, the fact that he was Ash in the Evil Dead Trilogy should just about do it. Hail to the king, baby.

Secretary of Defense: Samuel L. Jackson
The baddest badass in the world. If Sam Jackson was our Secretary of Defense, nobody would mess with America. Absolutely nobody. If anyone tried anything, Sam would just glare at them until they held up their hands in an apologetic manner. Then he would nod and say “Good muthaf***in’ choice, muthaf***a!” Then he'd punch North Korea.

National Security Adviser: Duane “Dog” Chapman
Known to most as Dog the Bounty Hunter, this mullet-toting, bullet-proof-vested law enforcer would take care of business when it came to national security. Instead of standing around in a stale business suit, he’d gather his posse and “suit up,” hopping in a pair of black SUVS and macing everyone who so much as looks at him wrong. He’d also easily win the people over with phrases like “Greetings from The Dog, bra” and “The Dog’s got you on the run, brudda!”

That’s really all I have so far … though I’m sure I could find positions for Christopher Walken, Les Claypool and Conan O’Brien if I had to.

I’ll close today’s entry with a short plug for a recently-created blog. It’s called Young and American, and it’s a blog managed by my wonderful girlfriend, Jess. The blog varies from political commentary, to current events, and random musings. Jess is a better writer than me, and she even writes about things that actually matter (as opposed to KFC Famous Bowls and fake administration). It’s turning out to be a quality read, so you should all check it out:


Until tomorrow, sports fans.


  1. Thanks for the plug! :)

    This is hilarious (which I've noticed is the adjective that I use to describe you most). I particularly like the inclusion of Dog and Bruce Campbell. What I like to envision is all of these people discussing solutions to the problems of the nation in their typical attire. Imagine it...

    So damn funny.

    Anyways, You're awesome!

  2. With Sam Jackson in the White House, we wouldn't need a Cabinet.


  3. Dog the Bounty Hunter creeps the hell out of me. He seems like the kind of guy that would be comitting all the crimes that he tackles and ropes people for.

    Jon Stewart = good choice.

    Garfield = sleeping with the fishes. (And probably eating them in some sort of comical way. NOT.)


All comments are strictly moderated by this blog's administrator. Obscene, hateful, or otherwise offensive comments will not be tolerated. Racist, sexist, or homophobic remarks have no place on this blog. Spam will be promptly reported and deleted. For more information on R#09's moderation policies, please check the FAQs.