If you go to the movies, shut up

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a frequenter of my local multiplex, Regal Longston Place 14. It’s an ugly peach hulk of a building, devoid of any real majesty or soul. And though it’s about as warm and inviting as a tomb, it’s exceedingly convenient, being a mere five minutes from my house.

So, I admit – for a vast majority of my films, I venture here (the fact that I get free movie tickets because my girlfriend is currently employed there doesn’t hurt). But more often than I’d like, I encounter an unabashedly annoying movie-goer. My local theater, and multiplexes in general, are powerful idiot magnets, drawing them in by the hundreds.

Let’s take a prime example. On Valentine’s Day, Jess and I visited Longston Place to see Clint Eastwood’s “Letters from Iwo Jima.” The movie was great, a really beautiful piece of cinema. But there was a middle-aged couple behind us that WOULD NOT shut up.

They provided a non-stop running commentary on the film, verifying absolutely everything with one another. “Oh, that’s the guy from earlier,” the man said to his wife. “No it’s not,” his wife argued. “No, honey, it is. See, he has the beard. The other guy didn’t have a beard.”

The beard debate continued for another seventeen minutes.

And the husband, who was clearly a know-it-all smartass, was compelled throughout to explain absolutely everything to his wife. He was apparently a foremost expert on the battle of Iwo Jima and Japanese war tactics.

Why do people feel like they can talk through movies? Loudly, without hesitation? A few questions concerning plot are to be expected, and I certainly don’t mind the occasional comment on the film’s happenings. But chatting and carrying on like you’re sitting in your living room watching a DVD is just ridiculous.

So, next time you’re sitting behind me in a theater, shut up.