Valentine's Day
I'd like to begin by apologizing for the lack of a clever title. It's late, I'm tired and I nearly spent 30 minutes racking my mind for one. Possible ideas included "Valentine's Day: a day of love or a day of farce?" and "Valentine's Day: who gives a rat's ass?" I gave up out of frustration and instead opted for the title you see above.
Anyway, today is indeed Valentine's Day -- a day devoted to love, romance and devotion. It's also the day that the flower, balloon and chocolate industries thrive like no other. For me, Valentine's Day is a bit of a farce. It's a day set aside for husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends to show their significant other they care. Also, it's a day that creepy naked babies fly around and shoot people in the ass with arrows.
In my opinion, you should show your loved ones everyday that you care. But it's true: life moves fast, it's stressful and it's hectic -- you don't necessarily get time everyday to tell your significant other that you love them, that they're special to you. But I really don't feel like ridiculous balloon and chocolate displays are the way to a woman's heart (though I could be wrong, I know only slightly more about girls than I know about sports).
I ventured into Fred Meyer today, on a mission to find an appropriate card for my girlfriend, Jess. My eyes were assaulted by aisles upon aisles of harsh pink and red hues. Dozens of desperate young men milled about, scratching their heads. What to get? What to buy for their girlfriends, their wives? In the words of a very smart homeless man I once met, "On Valentine's Day, would you rather have a kiss or a frying pan to the head?"
But it shouldn't be stressful, it should be enjoyable.
For me, Valentine's Day is an excuse to treat my beloved girlfriend to a nice night out, a well warranted dinner and a movie. I don't particularly enjoy the materialistic extravagances that lend themselves to this most Hallmarkian (yup, just made up a word) of holidays. I don't buy balloons, chocolates or massive flower arrangements. I'm more of a single red rose kinda guy, I suppose.
So, to all the Rocket Number 09 readers: Happy Valentine's Day.
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If stingy had a face, it'd be your face. In fact, if it was a multi-species mythical beast, it would have the legs and tail of a chipmunk, the torso of Mary Kate Olsen, the neck of a Californian Condor (who eat only Apple Snails, if I'm not mistaken), and the head of Matt Click.
ReplyDeleteOn a point of redundancy, it would have the heart of Mr. Burns, which is to say it would not have a heart at all.
And it would have a crappy Valentine's Day for it's girl and then, for it's final gift, it would say, "The best gift I can give you is all of my love."
Then the song "All Of My Love" by Led Zeppelin would play in the background as this stingy behemoth was given the Vishnu-four-slap by the irate she-woman who obviously didn't matter enough to this masculine entity to give a decent gift.
That's why, for the entire month of February, for my entire life, I have been single.
But come March 1, I am back on the market, baby. Whoo! You know it!
A google search for "Hallmarkian" yields 749 results. From February 2006, care of "The Organ Trail": "I happened to coin the phrases "Great Hallmarkian Conspiracy" and "Hallmarkian Conspiracy Day" a number of years back."
ReplyDeleteFrom someone called "Mibitmaker" posting on the blog The Comics Curmudgeon, from November of '06: "The Hallmarkian sappery of FC hides a story that’s darker than a “Mr. Mike’s Least Loved Bedtime Tale”."
From David Corn's blog "Capital Games" posted 07/30/2002, "wise and foolish, meaningful and Hallmarkian"
Is a simple little Google search too much to ask before declaring "I made up a word!!! ROAR!!! says GOJIRA!!!"