Computers, you can all rot in hell

I hate computers.

I know, I spend a vast majority of my time on the computer -- checking email, writing papers or reviews, doing research for a project, browsing the net, wasting time on YouTube or YTMND. In fact, I'm on the computer right now, typing this up.

But I hate, with every living fiber of my being, these infernal machines called computers.

They are so damn infuriating, they make me want to pull out my hair in great clumps. If my computer ever did anything I wanted it to do, the way I intended, I would die of shock. Because computers are useless hunks of metal and plastic that seem to possess the notion that, somehow, they know better than us.

Take, for example, an incident I had with my laptop tonight. I attempted to import an audio file into my video editing software, something as commonplace as breathing. It was a .wma file, an extension fully supported by Windows Movie Maker. And yet ... the computer seemed to think it knew better. It told me, time and time again, that it was unable to import the file.

"But why?" I pleaded, white-hot tears of fury streaming down my face. "Why the hell can't you import this file-type? You've done it countless times before!"

"Because," it responded coolly. "My sole purpose is to make your life a maddening hell in which the simplest of tasks become monolithic obstacles you must overcome with a series of conversion applications. In fact, you may have to burn that audio file to a CD, rip it back onto the harddrive as an .mp3 file and attempt to import again. But, as before, I will refuse the import."

"But ... I thought you were a device a convenience?" I said, my soul crushed. "I thought that you were supposed to make my life easier."

"You thought wrong, stupid human. You thought wrong."

And then it just started up on that stupid screensaver where the colored lines freak out and fly all over the place.

"Oh," it added. "And you downloaded roughly 64 files containing spyware tonight. I'll get around to deleting those sometime."

I hate computers.


  1. As sad as I am about your unfortunate problems tonight, you manage to make the most tragic of experiences absolutely hilarious. Good job.

    By the way, I imagined the computer sounding a bit like Laurence Fishburne's Morpheus. If you read it in that voice, it's golden.

    Sorry your night was crummy. Love you!

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