Top Five Reasons why Bay's 'Transformers' will blow

Alright, it's time to get this off my chest: "Transformers" is going to suck. Hard. "But Matt!" you're exclaiming, shocked. "Michael Bay is awesome! He makes really great action flicks and Transformers are cool!" Yes, Billy -- Transformers are cool. Really cool. Here's a couple of equations I worked out:

Transformers + A competent director who possesses a semblance of respect for the source material = A potentially kickass flick

Transformers + Michael Bay = A big, fiery suck-fest of absolute suckage

Not enough for you? Here's five reasons why "Transformers" will be terrible.

5) The cast: Hm. A Disney-channel child star; a teenage bimbo who appears to be in dire need of a personality; and a score of models, talentless wannabes and a supposed cameo for Dane Cook. This film doesn't even have Ben Affleck in it. It's doomed.

4) The plot: Apparently, the Transformers are from Mars. No. They're not. Everyone knows that the Transformers originated from the metallic planet of Cybertron (which, we eventually come to discover, is actually a giant Transformer called Primus). The film doesn't even pretend to resemble the cartoon or the comics.

3) The overwhelming stench of consumerism: Iron Hide is a Hummer. Bumblebee is a Camaro. Optimus Prime is probably a Mack truck. If there's one thing Michael Bay is great at, it's filling his films with a ridiculous amount of product placement. "Hey, look! It's Fizz! He transforms into a bottle of delicious, ice-cold Pepsi!"

2) The apparent disregard for the source material: Transformers were a huge part of my childhood. They were mythical beings, not unlike the Titans. They were heroes, villains and archetypes of all things good, evil and in between. And Michael Bay is going to reduce them to cool looking special effects. These robots don't even resemble the original Transformer designs. Megatron looks like a damn booger. I doubt Bay has even watched a single episode of the series.

1) It’s Michael Bay, come on: Seriously, when has he ever made a film that was completely terrible? Well, OK, “The Rock” was a fun flick. But “The Island,” “Pearl Harbor,” “Bad Boys?” These are all awful, awful movies. Bay is a talentless hack, a man better suited to direct music videos than he is movies. He’s a destroyer of hopes, dreams and aspirations. I hate him so very fervently. And he’s destroying my childhood.

Does anyone need any more evidence?