Americans have spoken: no reading for us

Sorry to disappoint you, America: "Pan's Labyrinth" is a Spanish film. Get over it.

Let's face facts here, people: Americans hate to read. Our rocky relationship with literature stretches back to the dawn of our proud nation, when Thomas Jefferson refused to read through the lengthy Declaration of Independence, proclaiming that if he wanted to read, he'd "pick up a damn book." It was furthered when George Washington banned every book devoid of pictures from the White House. (Authors note: neither of these events actually occurred – I am simply attempting to solidify my point by lying.) Our society's apparent hatred of all things written has bred a lazy, convenience-centered culture of tabloids, news blurbs and minimal subtitles.

Picture the average American man. We’ll call him John for our purposes here. John is an upstanding gentleman, fairly well-educated, successful in his business, patriarch to a small but loving suburban family. Close-cut, well-groomed, clean-shaven; he is White, middle-class. He drives a four-door Sedan to work everyday. On the occasional Friday night outing to the local multiplex, John likes a good action film with car chases, explosions and plenty of danger. For John, a movie means an escape from the mundane. Like all Americans, John likes to be entertained.

For John, the only acceptable subtitles are the ones appearing below a discussion between a couple of Russian terrorists. “Silly Americans,” one says in a guttural, overly-spitty accent. “Indeed,” the other terrorist (this one has a nasty scar across one eye). “Soon they will be ours.” And this is about as much as John can take. The studio knows this. And so, for whatever reason, they opt to have the Russians speak English a majority of the time. With other Russians. English. A second language.

For the Russians, of course.

We’re Americans, and we speak English. We like to hear people speaking English. And if they’re speaking a foreign tongue, they damn well better be villains.

Because we hate reading. We don’t go to the movies to read. John doesn’t pay $9.50 to read. He pays $9.50 to see Vin Diesel jump out of airplane naked while shooting three rocket launchers into a falling car before leveling a building with an bomb strapped to his waist (granted, that actually sounds pretty cool, but that’s not the point).

Americans go to the movies to be entertained. They don’t like to think, they do enough of that at the office. They don’t like to read, they don’t like to feel and they most definitely don’t like to be offended at the movies. Generally speaking, we are a culture that has drifted farther and farther away from the written word.

And this is apparent with film.

“Pan’s Labyrinth” was released on DVD yesterday. It’s a brilliant film, it truly is. Beautifully shot, splendidly told, “Pan’s Labyrinth” is a film I’ve been recommending to folks for months now. Today, at work, I realized I was wrong to think that the average suburbanite could appreciate such a cinematic gem. My faith in humanity was misplaced. I have never been more disappointed with people. Ever.

We received several dozens complaints via phone today from people realizing that the film was in Spanish with English subtitles. The “Pan’s Labyrinth” DVD does not feature an English dub. People were disappointed, frustrated; sadly, people were downright pissed. They asked for refunds, exchanges, explanations. “Why didn’t you tell me that it was in Spanish?” they queried. “Because I assumed you weren’t an insular moron, dumbass,” I wanted so badly to retort. Instead, I resorted to “I’m very sorry. If you would like to bring in your copy, we can do an exchange for you.”

It felt so wrong, and I felt so hopeless.

We are now required to inform people renting “Pan’s Labyrinth” that it is a Spanish language film. A few don’t mind, most put the movie back on the shelf. Their faces pinch in disgust as I tell them. “Spanish? Are you serious? Well, I’m putting this back and renting ‘Stomp the Yard.’”

Not to stifle the cinematic genius that is “Stomp the Yard,” but I was truly disappointed in each and every customer that refused to rent the movie based on its language and country of origin. Every disgruntled look, every disgusted sigh hit me hard. It stung, knowing that people have become that lazy.

And all because they have to read a little bit.

John, you should be ashamed of yourself. You really should. And I’m just about done with trying to save you from yourself.