My appearance on David Letterman: a transcript

I have yet to be invited on a late-night talk show, but I truly think it's only a matter of time before I get a call from Letterman's people. With Rocket Number 09 garnering the large readership it has, the networks owe it to themselves to have me on. So, in preparation for the inevitable interview, I've scripted a rough outline of how my appearance might go. It's a work-in-progress, so don't judge too harshly.

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DAVID LETTERMAN: Welcome back to the program, folks. My next guest is a writer and renowned film critic. He is the creator of Rocket Number 09, which is the biggest internet sensation since the video of that grape-stomping lady who fell over. Have you heard about this Rocket thing, Paul? It's huge.

PAUL SCHAEFFER: I have, I have. My daughter loves the guy.

DAVE: Alright, yeah ... So, he's also quite an accomplished author and his newest book, "Why I Have Better Film Taste Than You," hits shelves on Tuesday. Man, this guy does everything.

PAUL: He sure does, he sure does.

DAVE: Indeed. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Matt Click.

(The band plays me on with "Freebird." There is scattered applause from the audience as I wave awkwardly and take a seat to Dave's right. A few audience members mistake me for that guy from "One Tree Hill” and cheer unknowingly.)

DAVE: Welcome, welcome. It's good to have you.

ME: Well, you know, it's great to be here, Dave. Thanks for having me.

DAVE: It's always a pleasure. So, what have you been up to since we last had you on the show?

ME: (a brief, uncomfortable pause) Well, I've actually never been on your show, Dave

DAVE: Oh, really? Paul, who am I thinking of?

PAUL: (shakes his head, looking to the band for answers) I have no idea. I thought he was the bassist from Dave Matthew’s Band.

DAVE: Yeah, and I thought you were Chad Michael Murray. Are you Chad Michael Murray?

ME: No. No, I am not.

Huh. Are you sure you've never been on the show?

ME: I'm fairly positive, yes.

(The audience stirs restlessly.)

DAVE: (checks his note cards frantically) Well, hey, this is awkward. Moving on.

(I shift uncomfortably.)

DAVE: Um … your website, tell us about your website, Matt.

PAUL: It’s a big deal. Huge deal, right?

ME: Well, it’s called Rocket Number 09, and it’s essentially just a place where I publish my thoughts. You know, a blog.

DAVE: A blog? What are these blog things?

ME: Well, blogs are—

PAUL: Is it like an iPod?

DAVE: My wife has one of those iPods.

PAUL: Oh, yeah?

(I wait patiently.)

DAVE: Good times, huh Paul?

PAUL: Good times, good times, indeed. iPods.

DAVE: Alright, well, our next guest has appeared on Broadway several thousand times--

ME: Hey, wait!

DAVE: --in the past seven years. His most recent production, “Gals with Perms,” has received rave reviews across the US. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Nathan Lane.

(The band plays Nathan on with “I Did it My Way.” He strides onto the stage, hands in the air. The audience welcomes him with tumultuous applause. A large stagehand physically removes me from the guest chair and plops me into the side couch. Nathan takes the now vacant seat.)

NATHAN: Hey, David!

DAVE: Nathan, how have you been?

NATHAN: Oh, you know, not bad, not bad. Just bein’ successful.

PAUL: He is very successful.

DAVE: Very successful, yeah.

ME: Yup.

DAVE: Who’s this guy?

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And that’s about as far as I’ve got. What do you think?