A formal request to men everywhere: keep your shirts on

A little something for the ladies.

As the warm months approach (and they're nearly here), I am faced with a dilemma. I love the blue sky, the cloudless days, the warm sun and the cool breezes. I enjoy swimming, traveling, riding my bike, hanging out with friends neglected by school and work. But with this glorious time known as summer, comes a price. A price that must be paid dearly by each and every one of us. It's sad, but it's tragically true.

We are all subjugated to witness man after lumpy man remove their shirts in a machismo effort to cool themselves.

It happened just today, the first truly beautiful day of the year. The temperature was barely above a comfortable 70° Fahrenheit. This is a temperature that warrants shorts, skirts and sandals among the people of the world. It does not, in any way, shape or form, permit overly egotistic men to remove their tops under any circumstances.

Here's the thing, guys: we look terrible. Compared to the shapely, curvaceous figures of our female counterparts ... well, we really shouldn't be traipsing about without proper coverings. The male body is a travesty of human evolution: we're like Jeeps, designed for functionality alone. We're flat, lumpy sacks of flesh; ape-like, hairy. Even the fittest, most muscular man resembles an undercooked ham.

And yet women are the ones expected to cover up.

So, here you are, Mr. Machismo, loping around like some injured gazelle, sporting those glorified man-boobs you call pecks, trying desperately to attract a woman, any woman, with the siren call of your back hair and pit sweat. With the slightest temperature jump, you remove your t-shirt. No more.

Some will attest to the "beauty" of the naked male form. Well, I speak from experience, folks: I'm forced to witness the naked male form in the mirror after every shower, and it is not something to marvel at. Avert your gaze, maybe ...

I'm tired of your monkey-like physique, so put your damn shirt on.