A formal request to men everywhere: keep your shirts on

A little something for the ladies.

As the warm months approach (and they're nearly here), I am faced with a dilemma. I love the blue sky, the cloudless days, the warm sun and the cool breezes. I enjoy swimming, traveling, riding my bike, hanging out with friends neglected by school and work. But with this glorious time known as summer, comes a price. A price that must be paid dearly by each and every one of us. It's sad, but it's tragically true.

We are all subjugated to witness man after lumpy man remove their shirts in a machismo effort to cool themselves.

It happened just today, the first truly beautiful day of the year. The temperature was barely above a comfortable 70° Fahrenheit. This is a temperature that warrants shorts, skirts and sandals among the people of the world. It does not, in any way, shape or form, permit overly egotistic men to remove their tops under any circumstances.

Here's the thing, guys: we look terrible. Compared to the shapely, curvaceous figures of our female counterparts ... well, we really shouldn't be traipsing about without proper coverings. The male body is a travesty of human evolution: we're like Jeeps, designed for functionality alone. We're flat, lumpy sacks of flesh; ape-like, hairy. Even the fittest, most muscular man resembles an undercooked ham.

And yet women are the ones expected to cover up.

So, here you are, Mr. Machismo, loping around like some injured gazelle, sporting those glorified man-boobs you call pecks, trying desperately to attract a woman, any woman, with the siren call of your back hair and pit sweat. With the slightest temperature jump, you remove your t-shirt. No more.

Some will attest to the "beauty" of the naked male form. Well, I speak from experience, folks: I'm forced to witness the naked male form in the mirror after every shower, and it is not something to marvel at. Avert your gaze, maybe ...

I'm tired of your monkey-like physique, so put your damn shirt on.


  1. hahahahahahahaha....

    I could go on. I won't - but I just wanted to say that this makes me happy.

  2. I think you miss the point: regardless of how ugly or not ugly the male physique may be, everyone else has to keep their shirts on, why - just because they have less fat and tissue behind those pecks - do they feel they're special? It doesn't matter how nice my body is, I can't walk around flaunting my tits, why should they?

    Men suck, sometimes.

    Having said that - hilarious and well-written.

  3. I don't think that's the point I was trying to make: what I'm saying is, guys need to realize that we are, collectively, several less attractive than women, and that if there is a gender that should be allowed to flaunt their bodies, its women.

  4. I think that it would be sexist to favor one sex over the other, and I already think that it is to a certain extent. So, because of this, neither should.

    I really think that while you may feel that your own body is nothing to behold, the human body is and can be a beautiful thing - it just shouldn't be used in an egotistical way.

    Anyways, I think you more humble guys tend to sell yourselves short.

  5. But I like taking my shirt off, Matt!

  6. For shame, Nuss. For shame.

  7. The majority of men are hideous lumps of flesh, yes, but as what Hypokrit PK refers to as one of the damn queers, I must say that there are the occasional exceptions.

    That said, they're far better suited to (and far hotter in) a tight sleeveless-T than they are out of one.

    Thank you for blogging Matt, whenever I get around to checking it (sadly though, that is rarely) I LOVE reading your blog. I appreciate it.


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