Roller shoes responsible for 1600 injuries this past year

Roller sneakers: death on wheels.

So, once again, I was right. A few months ago, I wrote a long-winded and furiously irate rant concerning those terrible roller shoes that kids sport these days. Just today, I was informed by an inside source (uh ... my girlfriend) that these infernal devices are responsible for an estimated 1600 visits to the emergency room. And I don't mean scabbed knees and skinned elbows -- we're talking broken wrists and arms, sprained ankles, dislocated elbows and cracked skulls.

That's right: these things are giving kids CONCUSSIONS.

So, why am I taking enjoyment out of this? Is it because I enjoy the thought of annoying children falling down and hurting themselves? Well, to a certain degree, yeah. But mostly, it's because this development brings humanity one step closer to the complete obliteration of these stupid roller shoes.

Some solutions abound, of course. The most popular one requires children using the shoes to also wear helmets, knee pads, elbow pads and wrist braces. I don't know about you guys, but when I was a kid, wearing all of that protective equipment in public was practically begging to have the crap beat out of you. Are kids wearing these trendy shoes really going to be willing to wear all those pads?

Yeah, I highly doubt it.

In any case, an end to these stupid things is in sight. Soon, I can walk down the aisles of Fred Meyer without fearing for my life.


  1. You couldn't have picked a more perfect picture. Hilarious.

    Yeah... I hate to admit it, but there is a certain element of sweet, sweet justice to 8 year-olds injuring themselves. I guess they shouldn't be so annoying.

    Glad you're writing more regularly again. Keep it up!

  2. I agree with Jess, I checked your blog and didn't find new stuff for a full 48 hours. But onward with my commenting.

    That is right, they would be getting concussions, wouldn't they? Awesome in that I'm-not-a-horrible-person kind of way.

    I personally have never seen kids go more than a yard or two before stopping, so I'm not as terrified for my safety of them as you may be. Well, except for the ones that just latch onto their parental unit and don't actually walk. They're so lazy.

    On a side note, will you be at the JagWire end of the year banquet? You should. Make other people do it too.

  3. Um, yeah, that picture is pretty much as scary as seeing a bunch of strange men walking your way in a dark alley, or facing a pack of hungry wolves in the middle of the desert.

    They're all basically the same in my book.

  4. That's pretty funny. When they stand in a line like that one will fall and take out the whole group. While I find that infinitely funny it could be dangerous.
    I think they're stupid and when i see kids with them they just roll like 2 or 3 feet, what a waste.

  5. Kids love wearing them on sidewalks, playgrounds malls and more. But these trendy shoes are causing numerous injuries, sending kids to emergency rooms with broken bones.


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